Joe Moody’s Web Adventures

That’s right, 50 big ones. But to accept the money would be to admit my blog is frivolous, which I refuse to do (even if it is). Here’s the letter that started it all:

Dear Joe, I’m one of those “other” Joe Moody’s who’s tired of seeing your blog appear at the top of Google searches for my name. I realize you’ve been a webmaster for ever and registered JoeMoody.com way back when and bla bla bla. I don’t care. Your blog has no central theme or purpose and you take your power for granted. Therefore I’m offering a $50,000 one-time bulk payment to acquire the JoeMoody.com domain name and blog. I plan on replacing the content with excerpts from William Shatner’s autobiography (this is non-negotiable). Please reply at your earliest convenience so we may save the world from anymore of your meaningless blog entries, like this last one about whether it’s possible to end a sentence with the word “The.” I just did, so yes it’s possible!

signed,
an anonymous Joe Moody out there

Ok, Joe. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Lemme guess, the money will be wired to me from your deceased uncle’s Nigerian bank account…

Point is Joe, if I accept your cash payment, I’d be admitting forever that my blog is truly drivel, and I’m not quite prepared to do that, even for the big payout.

Now go have a beer or something, Joe, and ponder the many ways I will entertain you over the next 50 years on this site — it’s my domain name and I’m not selling! (evil laugh echoes)

WASHINGTON - Popular demand for healthy eating culminated in recent federal legislation requiring all fast-food restaurants to serve only healthy fare.

McDonald’s, always on the cutting edge, introduced more salad options years ago, as well as grilled chicken sandwiches instead of fried.

“Now they’re taking it to the next level,” said Dr. Ronald McNarlow, professor in food-service studies at Berkley.

First there was the McVegan Eggplant basted in olive oil and organic tomato sauce. Then came along the McOven-baked free-range Chicken served with potatoes and McGreen Beans.

“Healthy food can benefit the immune system, like medicine. Or food can tax us, like the government,” McNarlow said.

However, not all customers are pleased with the new offerings.

“Where’s the grease?” asked one customer who felt he was being hoodwinked.

“We still have french fries but cooked in healthy oil,” replied the cashier. The customer then ordered a super size fries and Big Mac. The new Big Mac slogan appeared on a banner on the wall: “Two all beef patties, special herb sauce, organic lettuce, gourmet cheese, pickles, onions on a whole-wheat sesame seed bun.”

Burger King didn’t hesitate to unveil their changes. The new “Sailor’s Whopper” features freshly-caught fish grilled in a garlic and butter rub, served with potato wedges that still have the skins. The traditional beef Whopper features locally grown beef and fresh lettuce, tomato and pickles harvested the same day from Burger King’s new in-store greenhouses.

And while the nation gets introduced to many exotic and holistic menu items, it’s given way to a new subculture of people who crave the old trans-fat ways.

“All this hoopla has arrived with unexpected consequences,” McNarlow said.

McNarlow cited the new trend of “home-cooked junk food” that peaks on Thanksgiving. “People are getting so used to eating healthy year-round, that many Thanksgiving tables now feature greasy burgers and fries splattered with trans fats. Of course such grease is becoming harder to find, many resort to the black market to score their grease.”

Similar to the Speak-easies of the twenties that secretly served alcohol during prohibition, McNarlow spoke of a new underground society, where shadowy characters “smuggle deep fryers into homes, creating trans-fat cocktales of banned foods.”

Police have discovered many of these secret groups are also starting to partake in another banned activity: smoking cigarettes in private.

Note: The preceding is satirical fiction.