Joe Moody’s Web Adventures

WASHINGTON - Popular demand for healthy eating culminated in recent federal legislation requiring all fast-food restaurants to serve only healthy fare.

McDonald’s, always on the cutting edge, introduced more salad options years ago, as well as grilled chicken sandwiches instead of fried.

“Now they’re taking it to the next level,” said Dr. Ronald McNarlow, professor in food-service studies at Berkley.

First there was the McVegan Eggplant basted in olive oil and organic tomato sauce. Then came along the McOven-baked free-range Chicken served with potatoes and McGreen Beans.

“Healthy food can benefit the immune system, like medicine. Or food can tax us, like the government,” McNarlow said.

However, not all customers are pleased with the new offerings.

“Where’s the grease?” asked one customer who felt he was being hoodwinked.

“We still have french fries but cooked in healthy oil,” replied the cashier. The customer then ordered a super size fries and Big Mac. The new Big Mac slogan appeared on a banner on the wall: “Two all beef patties, special herb sauce, organic lettuce, gourmet cheese, pickles, onions on a whole-wheat sesame seed bun.”

Burger King didn’t hesitate to unveil their changes. The new “Sailor’s Whopper” features freshly-caught fish grilled in a garlic and butter rub, served with potato wedges that still have the skins. The traditional beef Whopper features locally grown beef and fresh lettuce, tomato and pickles harvested the same day from Burger King’s new in-store greenhouses.

And while the nation gets introduced to many exotic and holistic menu items, it’s given way to a new subculture of people who crave the old trans-fat ways.

“All this hoopla has arrived with unexpected consequences,” McNarlow said.

McNarlow cited the new trend of “home-cooked junk food” that peaks on Thanksgiving. “People are getting so used to eating healthy year-round, that many Thanksgiving tables now feature greasy burgers and fries splattered with trans fats. Of course such grease is becoming harder to find, many resort to the black market to score their grease.”

Similar to the Speak-easies of the twenties that secretly served alcohol during prohibition, McNarlow spoke of a new underground society, where shadowy characters “smuggle deep fryers into homes, creating trans-fat cocktales of banned foods.”

Police have discovered many of these secret groups are also starting to partake in another banned activity: smoking cigarettes in private.

Note: The preceding is satirical fiction.